I have no real reason to be going out of my mind. I'm supposed to be relaxing. I'm supposed to be fine. But life keeps piling on top of me, bit by bit in the form of people.
I am used to be standing off to the side, unimportant, and typically ignored. But lately, I feel like I'm the center of it all. Not in a vain sort of way, just that people keep coming to me to talk or to go to movies or to go somewhere else with them. It should be fun, summer and freedom and somewhere to go all the time.
But I can't catch my breath. All these people, I have to keep up with them, for fear of being lost in the dust...again. If this is supposed to be my shining moment, how come it's become to hard to just keep going?
And I haven't been able to concentrate. Reading books is impossible. It only takes one sentence for my thoughts to escape from the page and into some back alley I would rather not loiter in. The wandering thoughts paralyze me, like physical pain. They are so real, like revisiting the past in person.
They continue as I try to sleep. On top of it, I cannot seem to get comfortable in my own bed. I toss and turn, on my back, on my side, on my stomach, but I still feel completely restless. I open my window, I pull up a blanket, I kick the covers off, I get a glass of water, I try to read, I turn over, I watch some TV, I toss and turn on the sofa, I drink some warm milk, I go back to bed. I take some allergy meds that make me drowsy and finally find some sleep by 3am.
I can't even nap during the day anymore. And the next night, I get to bed at 1am, thankfully, but then end up tossing and turning all night, waking up each hour only to find it isn't morning yet.
I need to say something, to unload it all. But writing it down only shakes it all up more, so that I get lost watching it swirl inside myself. I can't tell it all to friends, because it doesn't make any sense. Why am I so stressed? I myself don't even know. I am just so anxious.
The dark circles gather under my eyes the way rings of black develop around doorknobs.
I believe part of it must be the uncertainty of relationships: friendships that is. Old ones are cracking, new ones are coming out of nowhere. And some are getting a little too much for me. It scares me, because I don't have the careful control I want to handle these people. Either I draw them in closer to me, or I offend them and they leave forever.
It all crashes around in my mind, great waves of worry and regret.
But I have no real reason to be going out of my mind.
And this is reality now.
